Category: Early Childhood

I often laugh at myself when I think of fun ways I can support my children. From tea parties, to dance offs, to football drills; my children definitely test my energy, flexibility, and durability! To “support” our children is to share the metaphorical weight of their positive and negative experiences and emotions. Providing support requires us to be physically, mentally, and spiritually present throughout their highs and lows. Because we are our children’s providers (i.e. we provide food, water, shelter, education, and clothing), many of us would proudly claim that we are extremely supportive of our children. Though I agree that support by providing life’s necessities is a critical role, we must also provide emotional support to our children. Why? Because our children rely upon our support to effectively navigate the obstacles and opportunities in life.

Here are my thoughts on how we can provide emotional support to our children.

My guiding principles:

 As with all of my philosophical beliefs, I like to establish guidelines to keep my actions consistent and focused. So I established the below “guiding principles” to help you get started on your journey.

 Guideline #1: We all make mistakes!

 Firstly, it is important that we acknowledge and accept that human beings are fallible creatures. That means that whether young or old, we all make mistakes! Our children are no exception to that rule. The good news is–with your help–they will learn and grow from their mistakes if we empower and patiently instruct them.

Guideline #2: Shamelessly show your pride.

If you’re proud and you know it, let them know!

Have you ever experienced the almost overwhelming feeling when your child accomplishes something? I’ve been there plenty of times! Honestly, I previously tried to hide those emotions because I wanted to appear to be “stoic” or “macho.” I eventually realized that our children are often seeking our validation and approval to help them develop an understanding of what “success” looks like. Therefore, allowing them to see how proud you are boosts their self-esteem and gives them greater confidence in their abilities. Contrarily, failing to show them your approval can lead to low self-esteem and insecurities. So take inventory of your children’s successes and talents, critique them with grace and tact, affirm their great characteristics, and lather them in praise and approval. Don’t pass up a good opportunity to show your support!

Guideline #3: Validate their feelings and emotions.

I have written about validating our children’s feelings and emotions often, because it is imperative. Actively listen to them, and share the moment. Each generation presents similar but different challenges, so be open to understanding the many factors that contribute to or detract from their emotional well-being. Avoid judging them based upon your own upbringing or experiences. I believe we all have an interesting “back in my day” story that makes us appear to be mentally tougher than the next generation; however, those comparisons are often wildly subjective and anecdotal. To be clear, I am not encouraging you to look past or corroborate poor behavior that may result from our children’s adaptive emotional state; however, I am encouraging you to support them by understanding the many factors that may contribute to their actions.

Guideline #4: Be their shield.

This is probably one of my favorite parts of being a parent–being my children’s protector. This is both a science and an art. The “science” behind protecting our children is fairly simple; we shield them from observed or perceived danger. If I could, I would build a physical and emotional fortress for my children–complete with a moat, drawbridge, and snipers! Of course, that’s where the enigmatic “art” of protecting our children becomes important. I do not advocate for any particular parenting style; however, I do recommend that we strike a healthy balance between protecting our children from danger and becoming excessively interested in their daily life experiences. Generally speaking, your “shield” should protect your children from imminent danger that may cause long-term effects not block your children from experiencing routine emotions associated with daily experiences.

For example, on one hand, I teach my children to avoid lengthy interactions (interactions beyond the normal greeting) with strangers unless a parent or a trusted adult (teacher, caregiver, etc.) is present. I teach them this for their safety, because we live in an imperfect world. On the other hand, I rarely interfere when my children meet and interact with other children–even when other children respectfully decline playing with or befriending my children. Although I hate to see them disappointed, I understand that they will be rejected many times throughout life. Therefore, it is wise for me to use those opportunities to teach them how to respond to rejection instead of attempting to prevent the inevitable.

Ultimately, our children need to feel and understand that we always have their back. Believe it or not, they are comforted by the fact that you are their physical and emotional protector. Don’t be afraid to tell them, “I got your back!” and “I am here for you!” When heartfelt, those words are extremely valuable.

 Guideline #5: Don’t expect reciprocity.

 We live in such a “quid pro quo” society that it is easy to allow this culture to pervade our homes and familial relationships. Trust me; I’ve been there.: “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get?!” I believe that is a normal feeling to have after you’ve poured your all into someone and have not received an immediate return. The bottom line is we serve and support our children because it’s the right thing to do, and the return we seek is always in their best interests–not ours. Accordingly, I recommend that we make informed decisions based upon what’s best for our children. Teach them to be grateful and appreciative, but don’t demand that they reciprocate your support in any way.

Ways to show support:

I’d like to summarize with just a few applicable ideas on how you can show your children support. This list is nowhere near all-inclusive, but it’s a starting point to spark your imagination.

1. Handwrite a heartfelt letter. Be open and transparent about how much you love them and how proud you are of them.
2. Document everything you can. Take pictures and record videos, then upload them to “the cloud.” (i.e. Apple cloud, Google Drive, One Drive, Dropbox, etc.) Sharing these memories with your children can be fun and comical! Just make sure you have a pack of tissue in case your eyes start “sweating” a little.
3. Implement uninterrupted one-on-one time. I learned from another father that he and his son enjoy bonding while playing Nintendo Switch–even when the father is deployed! Be creative, because these are the foundational moments that build supportive relationships.
   Sometimes, creating these opportunities with large families can be challenging. Create a set schedule if you can. Even a 10-minute story time before bed can blossom into something beautiful.
4. Establish an environment of support. Let your children see you show support to the other parent, teachers, family members, non-profit organizations like Stand For The Silent , etc. They need to understand that being physically and emotionally supportive is the norm not the exception.
5. Find out what is important to your children, then help them develop an actionable plan to achieve their goals. This simple exercise not only shows that you support your children’s endeavors, but it is a great opportunity to bond and get to know more about them.
6. Reward and celebrate! I cannot stress this one enough. At a minimum, give your children a good ol’ high five and a pat on the back! There are studies that describe how a simple high five can trigger the brain to release dopamine and increase happiness. Not only that, but positive reinforcement helps to build momentum and confidence and it’s critical to showing your children the support they need. Take time to celebrate; it’ll pay dividends in the future!

The most important thing is that you have fun. It is truly an honor to support and serve our children, and I have faith that many of us are on the right track. Providing emotional support to our children is a long-term investment that will yield positive results and a brighter future.

I believe in you!

I believe I received this shirt on Father’s Day in 2015. As you can tell by the wear and tear, it’s one of my favorite shirts. I don’t remember exactly what I said when my family handed it to me, but it was probably something like, “that’s right!” Yeah teaching children to be inquisitive is important, but not more important than doing what I say when I say it! I even ran into an older gentleman who read my shirt and said, “Hey, I would do what you say too.”

“That’s right!” I thought. “You see these biceps?! These back up my authority. You do what I say, when I say it. Why? Because I said so!” Some of you are beating your chest and wondering where you can buy one of these shirts. Others are ready to vomit. Nowadays, I agree with the latter group. “Because I said so” is easy to say (and wear), but it’s actually quite shallow and it can potentially squelch a child’s inquisitive spirit. We’ll discuss more, but before we dive in, we have to answer two important questions: 1. What does it mean to be inquisitive? 2. Why is it important to raise children who are inquisitive?

What does it mean to be inquisitive?

To be inquisitive is to be curious and extremely interested in learning new things. Typically, inquisitive people have an insatiable desire to know more about any given topic. For example, my son [randomly] asked me the following questions last week: 1. Why is the sun so bright? 2. Why is a Rip current called a “Rip” current? 3. Why do we say “bless you” when people sneeze?

I know that as soon as I mentioned the word “curious,” some of you thought about this old quote:

Curiosity killed the cat.

A LOT OF PEOPLE

My ten minute Google search tells me that this quote originated in the 1598 play, Every Man in His Humour, written by the English playwright Ben Jonson. Since, it’s been used as a forewarning for those who are inquiring about or expressing curiosity in something that may result in trouble. Over the years, this quote has been used to keep people from interfering in others’ affairs. Of course this quote has also been used to discourage children from asking “too many” questions about anything. I even remember as I stared at a lifeless cat in the middle of the road, someone told me, “See? Curiosity killed that cat!” Sounds like a pretty compelling argument if you ask me.

Why is it important to encourage children to be inquisitive?

In true Olaolu fashion, I’d like to offer you an alternative to the previous quote:

Curiosity Ignorance killed the cat.

OLAOLU OGUNYEMI

Let’s use the same scenario above. Some argue that the cat died because he was too curious. He met an inevitably fatal ending because he was satisfying his naturally inquisitive mind. Well, I’d like to offer that the cat wouldn’t have wandered into the road in front of a car if he had known it could end his life. In other words, his fatal outcome was based upon his ignorance, not his inquisitive mind.

It’s not all life or death situations though. There are many other benefits to encouraging our children to be inquisitive.

Here are a few benefits.

1. It broadens their perspective on current events.
2. It gives them a desire to know more about life, science, religion, etc.
3. It helps to develop their critical thinking skills.
4. It helps develop their perspective and opinions.
5. It sparks their mind to conduct analytical processes.
6. It teaches them to remain open minded.
7. It gives them confidence as they learn new things.
8. It teaches them to think freely and explore their thoughts and emotions.
9. It creates another teachable and memorable moment for you with your children. That’s what my entire parent-child-connect (P2C) platform is all about!

So now for the million dollar question:

How do you raise inquisitive children?:

1. Ask questions.
It’s no secret that I’m a huge advocate for setting the example. That is our job as leaders and mentors. The more our children see us asking questions, the more they will be inclined to do the same. Your example also teaches them the appropriate time, forum, and method to ask questions. For example, if your significant other says something and you yell back, “Why do I need to do that?!” Expect your child to do the same.

2. Give answers based upon fact.
Children may be naïve, but they’ll eventually realize if you’re just making stuff up. It’s ok to say, “I don’t know. Let me read more about that and get back to you.” It may even be a great opportunity for you to learn together! In any case, give them factual information.

3. Teach them where to find answers and how to conduct research.
I’m sure we have all heard this proverb.:

If you give a man a fish he is hungry again in an hour. If you teach him to catch a fish you do him a good turn.

Anne Isabella Thackeray Ritchie

I’m not encouraging you to hand them a dictionary or an encyclopedia, and tell them to “go figure it out.” I am encouraging you to show them how and where to gather information. Encourage them to read! This is why I include fun facts and educational material in my children’s books. Not only is this skill transferrable to the classroom, but it teaches your child how to examine perspectives and analyze information before developing their opinion.

4. Listen to them and be patient.
Patience is another topic I discuss regularly. It is a critical part of any relationship, and it’s impossible to raise inquisitive children without patience! It takes time for them to ask questions that they perceive to be complex. The fact that they don’t know how to ask the complex question makes asking the question that much harder.

Relax. Give them time to ask the question, and if they need a little help forming the question (i.e. they are struggling to form the words), gently help them. Whatever you do, don’t rush them or cut them off mid-sentence. Take time to hear their question, and give them an age-appropriate answer that they can comprehend.

5. Encourage them to ask questions.
This is a pretty simple concept. If you want your children to be more inquisitive, encourage them to be more inquisitive. Sometimes, they may be scared to ask questions. Maybe there’s a guy yelling and wearing a worn out t-shirt that says, “because I said so!” I say that tongue-in-cheek to make fun of myself, but you get the point. Be aware of what you say about and your disposition towards your children when they are being inquisitive.

Their inquisitive mind is constantly expanding as they learn about and take in the world around them. Your children’s life-long experiences and opinions will be based upon what they learn and perceive to be true. Their willingness to ask questions and challenge the norm will inevitably make them catalysts for change. And ultimately, that change will drive us to a brighter future.

What is trust and why is it important?

Oxford Languages defines trust as a “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Trust is the foundation upon which all healthy relationships are built. It is a key enabler for parents, teachers, and mentors to bridge the communication gap and give our children a voice. With time, a trusting relationship instills confidence, opens the lines of communication, and creates a safe place for our children. Though it may seem complex, it is achievable. You can build a trusting relationship with your child(ren)!

Example of trust gone right

Last year, my family and I celebrated my oldest daughter’s birthday at a trampoline park. My wife and I love trampoline parks because they are fun for the entire family, and we are not on the hook for the after-party cleanup! During this trip, my son–who is enamored by ninja warriors–decided to take on the Warped Wall obstacle. For those who do not know what a Warped Wall is, it is “much like the famous half-pipe used for extreme sport competitions, the Warped Wall is a curved platform used as the last obstacle in Ninja Warrior courses. This obstacle is the most challenging – being that to successfully climb this smooth ramp, a running start would be ideal.”

At the trampoline park, there is a unique method to dismount the Warped Wall obstacle; you must slide down a vertical pole approximately three feet away. I observed several children successfully navigate the obstacle only to become intimidated by the distance between the Warped Wall and the dismount pole. My son soon became one of those children.

After a couple of tries, my son successfully made it to the top! There was only one problem; he too had underestimated the distance between the Warped Wall and the dismount pole. I instinctively told him, “alright son, grab that pole and slide down.” I completely overlooked the fact that he was clearly stuck–afraid he would injure himself if he attempted to come down. I tried numerous ways to coach him on how to safely dismount to no avail. After about two minutes of rough parenting, I finally said, “just jump! I will catch you.”

Surprisingly, he was more receptive to this idea. “Are you sure?” He responded. “Yes. Trust me.” I reaffirmed. He finally grabbed the pole and safely dismounted.

In retrospect, I probably said over one hundred words in that long two minutes, but “trust me” were the only two words I needed. My son’s trust in me caused his fears to subside and his confidence to increase. The powerful trust that encouraged my son to safely dismount was not built at that moment, but it was critical to that moment. Here are things I have implemented in my home to help build a trusting relationship that enables moments like these:

Five Tips To Build a Trusting Relationship:

1. Authenticity
   Be who you are, not who you think others want you to be. On one hand, you do not want to broadcast every intricate detail of your personal and professional life. On the other hand, you do not want to give the perception that you are perfect. If you give that perception, you will inevitably build a tower of high expectations on a foundation of false hopes. Then, when you make a mistake, that foundation will shift and cause the tower to collapse. Be comfortable with the person in the mirror–that is who your children want/need you to be.
2. Transparency
   You need to have clear, open, and frequent communication with your children. They should never be surprised by your expectations or thoughts about them. Be completely honest by telling them how their unique skills and characteristics contribute to your household’s or classroom’s success. Do not be afraid to show emotion as you lather them in positive affirmations, and do your best to limit or completely eliminate your negative emotions while correcting them. Being transparent exposes your true motives, so let your children know you have their best interests at heart and prove it through your consistent actions. Remember, children are always watching; thus, they are consistently assessing whether your actions align with your words. This can be summarized by the old adage, “more is caught than taught.”
3. Integrity
   According to Oxford Languages, integrity is “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.” The key word is honesty. You should strive for your actions to be consistently honest and your decisions to be morally sound regardless of the circumstance. Again, your children are always watching! You cannot convince your children that you are truly authentic and transparent when your actions wreak of dishonesty and deceit. They would accurately assume your lack of integrity perforates every single aspect of your life–including your relationship with them. Be honest, make morally sound decisions, and consistently demonstrate integrity.
4. Consistency.
   Here’s a general rule of thumb: whatever you do, follow through. Follow through on your promises, rewards, and discipline. Be organized, maintain structure, and be consistent with who you are (authentic), what you do (transparent), and how you do it (integrity). Be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually present for your children. Always remember this: empty promises lead to shallow and untrustworthy relationships.
5. Proficiency.
   Some say, “knowledge is power,” but I believe applied knowledge is power! Nobody wants to follow a clueless leader, so we have to be continuous learners who simultaneously apply what we learn. Our children are counting on us to constantly learn more and refine our parenting and mentoring skills. Learn, grow, and lead.

Remembering and applying these five tips will undoubtedly enhance your relationship with your children and restore the power to those two words we discussed earlier: “trust me.”